A story half spoken

Extremely nervous, I stepped out of the auto in Girdharipura, a small village far away from home. The roads to the village had already made my auto move up and down to an extent that I was a little nauseous. The one hour train journey wasn’t very comforting too. A little scared of the days ahead, I put on a smile to greet the villagers, who we were told had been waiting eagerly for our arrival. Suddenly out of nowhere a girl came and hugged me. Quite uncomfortable and confused I looked up to see a face of a 16 year old girl who seemed overly exuberant to see me. For a while I was confused with the thought that maybe I had met her before for I wasn’t used to strangers giving me such warm welcomes. She took my bag against my wishes and vanished inside the Anganwadi. Still confused, I followed her inside. As I found out later, her name was Santosh. She was one of the girls associated with Vikalp, who I had never met before. Out of the confusion I realised, she was genuinely extremely happy to have seen me. Such was my first encounter with her. I remember asking her what her name was. She had the brightest smile and with a great deal of confidence gave me a fully rehearsed answer in English, not only telling me her name, but also her age, her school, what standard she studied in. In a curious moment she asked me mine. When I told her, she seemed to take a long pause and then tried pronouncing it. She hid her discomfort under her smile. Sometime later she told me how she had and still does find it extremely hard to pronounce and that she would call me by the name of Chanda didi, her favourite volunteer at Vikalp because she thought I was just like her.  Santosh was my first friendly face in the village and she stuck around. Every day she would come and greet us and show us around. She was friends with a lot of people in the town. Every day she would go with us wherever we went, except for when it was dinner time which seemed like a very normal thing to me. It was only towards the end of my stay that I learned it had deeper connotations than just common practice of eating at home. Santosh’s full name was Santosh Salve and living in a village dominated by the Banjara community, she was the “lower caste”. Even though she was allowed to sit with us, roam with us, talk to us, be friends with us, she wasn’t allowed to eat with us. More specifically, she wasn’t allowed to eat at the houses we would eat in.

When I thought about who I wanted to do a case study on, I was pretty clear in my head it would be her. I wanted to know her story, her perceptions and how she came to be who she is now.

The first thing that I got to know about her was her ambition in life. She spoke of it with a sparkle and a tinge of hope in her eyes. She wanted to be an IPS officer. She wanted to study and join the Indian Police Service. I asked her where her inspiration to be one came from. I had heard a lot of girls wanting to be IPS officers in this village, most of them inspired from the Indian television show “Diya aur Bati”. I expected a similar response. She however had a different one. “Kanya Didi and Ankita Didi” she said. After enquiring about who they were, she told me how Vikalp had organised a career fair and how these IPS officers were called to speak to the girls. Kanya and Ankita were two of the IPS officers who had come in and inspired her. She wanted to be just like them. I told her being an IPS officer was hard. A lot of work and studying would have to go into it. She immediately responded with a “mujhe pata hai, main school jati hun, bahaut padti hun”. When I asked her about her parents and everybody else in the house being supportive, her facial expression changed to something I couldn’t comprehend. On further probing, she told me how her father did not support her education. Her father wanted her to get married. I asked her if she wanted to get married. She refused. “Mujhe shadi nahi karn.” She also told me about the time when she locked herself in her room for three days straight, refusing to eat, because her father wouldn’t send her to school. The school was in Fatehnagar and the father did not want her to study. Ultimately however, after the hunger strike he agreed on sending her. “Woh abhi bhi kehte hai 9^th kr , 10^th private se kar lena. Lekin mujhe aage bhi padna hai.” On asking her if she thought education was important, she immediately lit up and spoke of her relatives living in the town. Her Badde papa is a doctor and has a very good life in the town. She wants that too. She believes that education can provide her with a job that would get her that kind of a life. She spoke of her Badde papa with great enthusiasm and went on to tell us a great deal about him. She also told us how supportive Badde papa is and how he wants her to study and not get married before she finished class 10^th. She really looks up to her Badde papa. In her struggle against marriage, or atleast early marriage, Badde papa has been like a companion to her.  She went on to tell us that if not for him, her parents would have gotten her married way early. I asked her about her other family members and what they feel about the same. She told me how her grandparents are supportive and how they would not get her married before her brother. Her brother is engaged. I asked her if her parents would get her married to a man she liked. She giggled like a small girl. She said they wouldn’t but her Badde papa would consider it. She went on to praise her Bade papa a little more and with that also added her Bade papa would find her a groom. “Bade papa jis se bolenge use shadi karlungi, Bade papa ke bache nahi toh main unki beti jaisi hun”. She took a lot of pride in him. After a long conversation about him, I finally asked her what she thought marriage was. “Bandhan hai”, was her immediate reply. She went on to criticize the idea of marriage by calling it restricting. She spoke about how you can’t wear what you want, you can’t talk to who you want, you can’t do what you want. You have to do whatever your husband and in laws want you to do. I asked her if she had a problem with marriage in itself or just early marriage. She replied by saying “chotte me shadi krke kya karna hai”. She told us how she felt that marriage in itself may not be such a bad idea but early marriage is very wrong. She went on to speak about her friend who got married early and how she is restricted to the house and can’t do anything she wants to. She hadn’t studied and is dependent on her husband. I asked her if she thought that had her friend studied more, her life would be different. Yes she said. Had she studied she would have had a job, wouldn’t have been dependent on her husband for everything. She may even have had more freedom. I asked her if she felt thats why education was important. “Naukri mil jaye toh zindagi sudhar jati hai” was her response. Education for her seemed like an opportunity to get a job. I asked her if she thought education would get her a good groom. She seemed to be confused by that idea. She said destiny is what would decide her groom not education. She also said that education would not allow her to choose her own husband. I asked her if she wanted to choose who she marries. With a big smile she replied why ofcourse. Everybody wants that choice including me, but I won’t get it. Going a little off topic I asked her about her idea of other places. She seemed thrilled about the idea of going out and studying. But she said her parents would never send her out, at least not alone. She was only allowed to go to her relatives place. She always wanted to go live in cities and towns. I asked her about her idea of troubles outside. “Mushkille har jagah hoti hai”. I specifically asked her about early marriage. Its everywhere she said. Rajasthan is not the only place. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t get a chance to go out. She specifically looked at me and said “Jaise aap yaha aaye ho hame dekhne, mujhe bhi jana hai bahar aap logo ko dekhne”. I was a little taken a back. Until now I hadn’t really realised I was a stranger who had come to see them. With a moment of discomfort, I tried to get the conversation going. I asked her why her parents never sent her out alone. She said “akele jaegi ladkiya bahar toh bigaad jati hai”. They may even talk to a girl and run away with them. This is also why they marry us off early and don’t educate us. I asked her if this is what her parents thought or did she also feel the same way. She remained silent for a while and after much contemplation replied by saying she doesn’t know. She wants to study, but if she runs away with a person, the pride of her community would get ruined. She suddenly had a look of daze on her face. She seemed confused and did not know how she really felt about all this. After a moment, I asked her about her idea of a good life. “Achi zindagi?” she said. A good life is that where a person can stand on their own two feet and take care of themselves and their family. A good life is that in which a person can take decisions for themselves and their family. A good life also includes marriage but not the kind where there are restrictions. A good life is lived with your loved ones. “Pariwar ki dekhbhal kar payu aur hamesha sath rakh pau.” I asked her if she had thought about the kind of husband she wanted. Blushing now, she refused. I will accept whatever my Badde papa decides for me. I haven’t thought about the kind of husband I want. After a little more probing she finally said “Bas rok tok na kare, job karne de aur kuch krne se mana na kare”. I asked her if she knew anyone she liked. Her face now almost red with blush, she denied. I don’t know. Badde papa will decide for me she said. I asked her about her brother and if he chose his wife. She said no he did not, but he would have had more choice than I do. Boys have more say in whom they marry than girls. I asked her why this was. “Samaj walo ki soch aisi hai. Ladko ko zada azadi hai. Ladka ho jaye agar toh kuch aur nahi chahiye”. They think that girls are a burden. Thats why they keep our mouths shut and don’t let us talk. I asked her about her daily life and mobility. She gave out a little laugh and then told me how she isn’t allowed to go anywhere alone. People in her community don’t allow it. They only let her fill the form for the computer classes so that she doesn’t go anywhere else. She also told me how if she is seen alone in the village, everyone would stop and ask  her where she was going and what she was doing alone, while the same does not happen with boy. I asked her if her parents also thought similarly. “Maa baap support bhi kare, toh samaj ki baato me aajate hai” They would allow the brother to go anywhere but now me. I asked her what would happen if you resist and disobey. She told me quite normally that her household would disown her. They wont let her come inside the house. Even if they do let her come inside, they wouldn’t talk to her. The community members would boycott her. They wouldn’t let their daughters talk to me because they fear that even they would become spoilt. I asked her about the good ideas of marriage. She suddenly refutes me and says, nothing good can come out of marriage. It is restrictive. If i do get married I would never restrict my children. I would allow them to do whatever they want to do. If I have a daughter, I would educate her and never get her married of early. I had no more questions to ask after this. Her struggle had touched me and made me quite uncomfortable with my life. She smiled and asked me “aur kuch nahi poochna?” I said no. I gave her a chance to ask me something she wanted to ask me. Her face lit up. She asked me what I wanted to be. I told her how I wanted to be a writer. She asked me if I would get married. I said maybe, if I find the right guy. She suddenly got up and hugged me. She pulled my cheeks and told me how if she were a boy, she would marry me. And then she suddenly realised she did not know my caste. When she asked me I told her I did not know. She felt perplexed but let it go. She decided that it was time for her to go home and eat food. She never invited me over to her place for food. I asked her about this. She just laughed and said, “aapko aana hai toh aajao” and with that left me alone in the room. Somehow I had a smiled on my face and her marriage proposal had she been a boy was all that was going on in my head. There is something so weird about compliments, it makes you forget everything else and remember only that. Before I left for the next village, I looked for her and hugged her good bye. She pulled my cheeks and said “ek selfie toh le lo” and I did.