Beliefs and such Things: Being an Atheist.

Recently I've asked a lot of people questions on their beliefs, particularly their belief in god. There were some vague answers, some answers beyond my comprehension and well some answers that made me question my beliefs. I don't know whether I am an atheist or a believer. I have beliefs pertaining to both classes, but I still haven't quite figured out the answer. If I do have to chose between one of the two, I guess I incline more towards being an atheist. Why? I'll try to make that clear by what I am going to write down.
My first conversation was with my mother. What prompted this? I had a copy of "Why I am an atheist" by Bhagat Singh in my hands. Some things that he said intrigued me while some things I believed were pretty vague. So I asked my mom if she believed in god.
"Why, of course I believe in god!"
"But why?"
There was a brief moment of silence. She was searching for an answer but couldn't come up with one. I sensed her hesitation and already felt her faith shaking. 
"Is it because you have always been told to believe in god?" I asked her.
"Maybe, maybe not. I have as a child always been told to pray. And I have. Sometimes my prayers have been answered sometimes they haven't. But I have always made sure to pray. Plus it's something that gives me hope. Something that instills fear in the minds of people. They know someone is watching and that he would be the judge of their destiny and what they deserve. I have not known a time when I did not believe. You can say it's because I have always been told to do so or because I have always seen people do it. But nevertheless I have always believed in him." She replied.
"So had no one told you that there was a thing such as god, would you still have believed in him?"
"If no one ever told me how would I know of his existence? "
"But then how do you know of his existence now? Have you seen him? Felt him? Spoken to him?"
I could feel her faith trembling even more now. I could see that she was unsure of what she was about to say. I could feel that I had questioned something she has always believed in. But then she replied.
"Whats the harm in believing? If he exist well and good. If he doesn't you would never know. But if you don't believe and he exists, do you imagine what could happen?"
"So you believe in god because of the fear that he instills in you?"
"You could say so. Now let me watch TV"
With that she finished the conversation. Even though she was a firm believer a few questions had already made her question her faith. But she still hasn't stopped believing. 
Well for me, I started questioning a lot of things. Firstly how do I know something exists if I cant feel it, see it, or speak to it. Just because I see other people believing, how right am I to believe in it. Just because I haven't been told otherwise how am I to believe it exists. Secondly how correct is it to believe in something just for the fear of it. Or how correct is it to believe in something in order to attain a better afterlife. Who knows if the afterlife even exists. Then why fear it? 
I once read an article on facebook. It was a conversation between a person and god. God asked him if he ever cheated, lied, killed someone or stole something. The person replied yes. Then god asked him if he ate chicken on Tuesday. The person said no never. God welcomed him to heaven. I know its a vague argument. I know a lot of you out there would not be satisfied with what I have put forth. But to think of it, we keep fasts, we give up eating chicken or drinking alcohol for what? My dad told me once, you don't have to do it because you believe in god. Do it for discipline. But why do people out there do it in the name of god? Why cant you just say its a good thing to give up alcohol, lets give up alcohol. Why do you have to wait for a religious ceremony to give it up for a few days? Just because you think that doing so is going to please someone you're not even sure exists who holds the dice to the game of your life?
Like Bhagat Singh said, I am not egoistic or vain. I don't believe that I am the supreme. But I refuse to believe that someone out there decides what I get. You might say I have more of a problem with religious practices than with god himself. You might also conclude that I don't believe in god because I don't believe in the ways of believing in him. But that's the way it is.
Then why do you say I still am confused. I still don't know if there is some omnipotent force out there. The simple reason for this being my conversation with my mother. The part where she mentioned hope. I too in my most desperate moments of despondence prayed to a god I don't believe in. Because it somewhere gave me hope. But that's where I limit myself. I refuse to go against one particular religion because my god would have wanted that. How in the world do you know god wanted that. I mean what if god was a non vegetarian?? What if he hates all the laddoos you give him and all the terrors on earth occur because all he wanted was chicken and not a laddoo. How do you know what he wanted. How do you know he wanted you to keep a fast on Tuesday. What if he wanted you all to keep a fast on Saturday or better Sunday. How do you know Christ wanted you to go to the church on Sunday. What if he wanted you to go to office on Sunday? 
I guess what I'm trying to say is that nobody knows anything for sure. We have made up our beliefs to suit ourselves. We believe in something because it instills fear in us. Whats wrong with that you ask me? It is after all going to keep us all in track. But why do you as a human need an omnipotent force that probably does not exist to keep you on track. Why do you need to go to church to feel more humane. Why do you not kill someone just because you know its a sin and you would be punished by god. Why not because its against humanity and not against god?
I don't know what I believe in. Maybe there is a god. But I think its utterly chauvinist to want to be better humans for the fear of him. Just because somebody is not god fearing doesn't make him/her any less humane than you. Maybe that's why I'm an atheist. I believe in humanity. I believe in hope. And I truly believe if there is a god out there with the great and just values we claim he has, he too believes in the same things.